And so this is Easter and what have you done?

Around 4000 BC, there were cities in the world, or at least the Middle East and nearby locations in Europe.  Farming had been established as a way for several months of work to provide food all year-round.  It also kept men from wandering around for food, chasing animals or stealing from other men, which gave them time to think and construct things like homes, boats and written languages .  It's not clear exactly when these events happened because they didn't write down the dates in convenient ways for us to read, so this is all speculation, but there were clearly the seeds of civilization planted and growing by this point.

At this point, it was time for God to show the Earth how things work because she hadn't understood it with the dinosaurs or any previous version.  So now these mammals are doing something interesting, let's work with them, you and I.  God has to explain it at her level or she'll be clueless what He's saying.  The earth knows far more than us mammals do, but she's not God.  She didn't create the universe, the galaxies, the stars, the solar systems or the planets.  She doesn't even know anything about the moon that keeps following her around, all she has is those life forms that grew up on her.

God gives a brief explanation of how He created everything, distinguishing between light and darkness, water and land.  He also lets there be grass, herbs and fruits, as well as animals like fowl, whales and cattle.  God doesn't specifically create them, He permits the Earth to do that.  Then God says "let us create man in our own image" indicating who He's actually referring to, the Earth, but He does the actual work in Adam and the female.  This is where the lesson starts, which we all collectively agree was 4004 BC.

The the Earth is given her turn to explain how this happened.  "Lord God" made the Earth and the heavens and the plants and the herbs before they were in the Earth because there was no rain, but "Lord God" created a man from dust and blew into his nose and put him in a garden.  And there was a river with heads and there was gold which was good.  There was also bdellium and onyx.

There was also a tree of knowledge in the garden but "Lord God" told Adam not to eat from that.  Instead he could name the cattle and the fowls.  But Adam was told not to eat from that tree so he didn't eat from it and "Lord God" didn't need an obedient male to be part of this story about her and God.  She needed someone who would do the opposite of what she was told, a 'help'm eat.'  So she pulls out Adam's rib and that's how females were born and now they're going to be one flesh with the man after he leaves his mother and father.

You get the feeling there's a few details missing in this version of the story?  Sure, now we've finally learned why cattle have names and bdellium is so important but the point is that males and females have to be "one flesh," just like children and their parents, just like "Lord God" and actual God.  They can just go around naked and there's nothing wrong with that, hint hint hint, wink wink.

Oh, forgot to mention, there are talking serpents too, that's kind of a big deal.  "Lord God" asks Adam how this happened and why he ate from the tree he wasn't supposed to.  Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent who said eating from the tree was ok, it would make them gods, knowing good and evil, so that's why they're wearing clothes.  Serpents bad!  They should crawl around on the ground their whole lives as punishment!  And they have to stop talking to people!  That'll show 'em!

Eve and Adam and "Lord God" could all have said they ate from the tree they were told not to eat from.  I don't know if God would forgive that, but they didn't so it doesn't matter.  "Lord God" is still trying to be the one in charge, so Adam has to leave the garden and work for food every day, there are now armed guards to keep him from coming back.  Eve can leave whenever she wants though, she'll be allowed back in to keep eating from the tree of life.

Then Eve has children, from "Lord God."  You sure she wasn't pregnant with Adam's baby at any point and that's what happened?  Well, they're just trying to keep up with "Lord God"s version of the story although that's getting tougher to do.  Eve can still see Adam if she's lonely, that would explain the children they have and she doesn't even need child support.

Cain is hard worker, farming and offering his food as a gift to "Lord God."  Abel grows sheep, cutting them open and pulling out their fat as a gift to "Lord God."  Just think of all the blood the Earth got to taste when Abel was sacrificing sheep for her, yummy!  And she's still trying to get the story back to having no people, just her and God.  It was already established that children have to be like their parents until the boys go out to find a wife, so Cain and Abel had better start doing what Adam and Eve were doing.  Now!  If Cain doesn't obey, well, sin lieth at the door where his father went.  You want to be like him?

Cain doesn't really like the idea.  Abel is much more willing to chop up bodies if it pleases "Lord God" so after a discussion, only one of them walk away.  "Lord God" is still pretending to be in charge and asks where Abel is, but Cain's not going to keep his sick perverted brother.  Abel's blood is dripping into the Earth, which really turns her on.  Sheep blood, human blood, she wants more.  She can't go too far because that would require honesty to God, so Cain's not going to get executed for murder.  He can't grow plants though, she makes sure of that.

She even needs to put a sign on Cain so nobody else dares hurting him.  As Adam represented God and Eve represented "Lord God," so did Cain and Abel represent them, and she can't really punish God just because He didn't give her enough blood to drink or have sex with His brother.  So Cain goes out into the big bad world.  Since he couldn't farm, he had to figure out how to get other men to do the work.

Cain found a woman somewhere and they had a son.  Cain founded a city and named it for his son.  They would bring forth generations who started inventing musical instruments, working with metals and organizing cattle.  And the family all stood by the desire to avenge Cain for what had been done to him by Abel and "Lord God."

I can't figure out any specific dates, but this must have been shortly after 4004BC so it was around the time that copper was being mined, horses were being trained and pottery became a thing people wanted.  This happened elsewhere in the world as well, but obviously this story is focused on the Middle East.  The specific dates of Cain's children's birthdays and their filing for trademarks are lost to the ages.

Meanwhile, back at the Garden, Eve was getting a little anxious.  She hadn't seen Adam in a while, so she visited him.  He was still in good shape for a 130-year old and she got pregnant with Seth.  This would be around 3874BC.  Not only that, but Adam would live another 800 years after that and would meet many more baby-mamas, but Seth's the only one who matters to this story.  Eve specifically mentions that God gave her the seed.  Not "Lord God," but the real thing.

When he was old enough, Seth had a son, Enos, and men began to call on the "Lord God."  She'd found another way to try winning power.  If nothing else, there would be a lot of sheep blood spilled for her to drink.  So this would be where organized religion really got started.  For the time being, God will permit it.  They aren't even worshipping Him, they're believing in "Lord God," but God does know better, He has a plan and the story will go on.

There was progress being made, here and elsewhere in the world.  There's a road in England that is dated to 3838BC and they probably weren't the only ones building roads at the time.  Construction of Stonehenge began.  There's a mass grave in Syria so people were obviously getting buried at large numbers in one place.  New Mexico had even invented popcorn around this time, further proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  There was also a zoo in Egypt, probably a convenient way to keep animals ready for sacrifice.  There was even development of the wheel and written language, both of which would help people in the future.

Seth was 105 years old when Enos was born, so that would be 3769BC.  He would live another 807 years after that.  When Enos was 90 years old, his son Cainan was born, that would be 3679BC.  He would live another 815 years after that.  When Cainan was 70 years old, his son Mahalaleel was born, that would be 3609BC.  He would live another 840 years after that.  When Mahalaleel was 65 years old, his son Jared was born, that would be 3544BC.  He would live another 830 years after that.  When Jared was 162 years old, his son Enoch was born, that would be 3382BC.  He would live another 800 years after that.  When Enoch was 65 years old, his son Methuselah was born, that would be 3317BC.  He would live for another 300 years after that.  When Methuselah was 187 years old, his son Lamech was born, that would be 3130BC.  He would live for another 782 years after that.

Methuselah would have been born around the time Egypt started as the nation-state we know it today.  They built pyramids which still exist today and the pharaohs had began their reign.  It was still Upper Egypt and Lower, but they would soon be put together.  Cain's descendants had started bringing progress to the world around them.

Keep in mind, it's not like this is a huge world that they lived in.  They didn't have cars and very few of them had horses but still, it's barely 800 miles from Cairo and Memphis, Egypt to Baghdad and most of the important history happened within that area, less distance than El Paso, Texas to Omaha, Nebraska.  Obviously the population was a lot less and we have no clue how many people there actually were at the time.  There's also the fact that, according to the scripture, these people were living a lot longer than we do nowadays.

In 3074BC, Adam finally got around to dying.  The world had changed a lot in his lifetime.  God and "Lord God" hadn't really settled their differences either, they were barely started.  But Egypt had started building dams, canals, boat sails and musical instruments - thanks to Cain's descendant - while Sumer was forming and creating things like potter's wheels.

To us it seems like a long time, but to them it might not have been that long, Adam's grandson Enoch died soon, in 3017BC.  He had walked with God, so God took him.  There's no details on what exactly that meant, but walking with God sounds like a better option than slaughtering sheep like everybody else was doing.

There's no way to know how these people interacted with each other.  This was the dawn of civilization, what we take for granted hadn't even been invented yet when they were struggling to get through day-by-day.  They barely qualify as human, except in a biological sense, and the fact that they live to such old ages makes that easy to ignore that.

I've wondered if there is just some difference in math or translation, but I can't see any way that would work.  Maybe they didn't know years the way we know them but just the regular patterns of the weather would be fairly similar to what we have now.  You can't just swap the word "years" and "months" and have the math work, either they're too young to reproduce or they're still far older than any normal person could get.

The problem may come from the translation.  I'm using the King James, a translation from Greek and Hebrew, but that was made back when English itself was barely the language we know today.  Seriously, read Shakespeare and there's a lot of sentences that really don't make any sense in the 21st Century.

[And just a note, I don't remotely believe Shakespeare did the King James version.  Technically it's possible that he might have been on some committee to discuss the project, but seriously...  James has people on the payroll who are far more obedient and Shakespeare has theater business to handle.  Shakespeare did perform some plays for the King but why would such a topic even be part of the conversation if they met in person?]

Anyway, over the next several centuries, the people God and "Lord God" were following finally started dropping dead.  Seth died in 2962BC, a few years before the first pharaoh of a united Egypt died, Djer.  Meanwhile Lamech was 182 years old and his son Noah was born, that would be 2948BC.  Then in 2874BC, Egypt specified the 365-day calendar.  Enos dies in 2864BC and a century after that, Cainan died in 2769BC.  China and Indus Valley were growing but we know virtually nothing about them now because there's no written documents left.  At least Egypt was making these pyramids.

Mahalaleel died in 2714BC, Jared died in 2582BC and Lamech in 2353BC.  Egypt actually wrote down that it had a female doctor and Mesopotamia started growing maize.  The generations of Adam and Cain were still struggling in toil because "Lord God" hath cursed the ground.  She wants to end the story and get back to being along with God.  So it's time for the flood.

First of all, the flood was probably just regional.  To the people there, it was the whole world, but they didn't know how big the place actually was.  Second of all, Noah clearly stands out to God for some reason so He says to let him and his sons survive.  Ok, fine, but the rest have to go!  Third of all, the scripture itself is contradictory.  Noah is told to pick two of every kind of beast, then the clean beasts "by sevens."  What does that mean and which way does "Lord God" want it to go?

One part of the deal is that men do not get to live so long anymore.  Noah begat Shem, Ham and Japheth when he was 500 years old and it was another hundred years before the storms arrive and they get onto the ark.  So by my count, that happened in 2348BC which, by the way, is the year Methuselah died.  Coincidence?  They sail around, they land on Mount Ararat, it takes away for the water to dry off, so I'll say it's 2347BC by the time they get out and Noah sacrifices an animal to "Lord God" in gratitude for what she put him and his family through.  Not to mention all the dead people.

It's possible that this version of "Lord God" isn't even the entire Earth, she might just be regional and used as a tool by the actual Earth who also aspires to be "Lord God," just as the Sun aspires, just as the Milky Way aspires, just as the Universe aspires, all doomed to failure against the God who created them in the first place.  Earth is just a little version of the others and is creating even smaller versions to try to prove some nonsensical point to God.  And the men have been obeying her all this time.

That's why I always site 1969 as *the* turnaround point in human history, because for all the years of imagination, mental, emotional and spiritual, it was the first time man had actually landed on the Moon.  It was the first time Earth had a physical encounter with one of those other rocks going around the Sun.  No way we can perceive of Earth's reaction but look at how the world was before that and what's happened since.  It explains a lot.

So now that Noah and co. have come out safe from the storm, God decides to see if "Lord God" has learned anything from this.  She's tries to be respectable, she'll no longer curse the ground any more, for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth.  How nice, we're born evil in our hearts, thanks "Lord God."

But now God's going to point out a new arrangement.  Every beast, fowl and fish will be afraid of man now.  Can't just walk them all into an ark any more.  Man can eat them too, not just chopping them up as a sacrifice to "Lord God."  But she wants the blood, she's gotta have the blood.  Noah and his family are the biggest group of people we've seen in this story and they've had the longest 'screen  time' and this is already far more complicated than Adam or Cain.  This is God and "Lord God" trading lines back and forth with the humans just doing what they're told by whichever is speaking at the moment.

"Surely your blood of your lives will I require."  The hands of every beast and every man.  And every man's brother too!  And that's because man is in the image of God, so there!  This is kinda crazy.  "Lord God" is the one who claims she created them in the first place, then she kicked them out of the garden where Eve is probably still sitting and eating from the tree of life, and then got this flood to kill as many men as possible, and she's still not happy. No wonder, she's always known what's in the tree of knowledge, most people would be unhappy if they knew that much.

So God responds, telling Noah to be fruitful and makes a covenant with him.  The covenant doesn't seem to be much of anything, beyond saying that floods won't destroy the Earth or cut off man's skin.  But there's a rainbow to show for it, isn't that special?  It doesn't really look like a deal, more like pointing to natural events like rainbows and floods not destroying the Earth.  You know, something ordinary people could look at and say "thanks" to.  It probably means more to "Lord God" which may explain the rainbow flags we've seen for the last several decades, but that's just a guess.

So now "Lord God" gets to see if she can repeat the story and this time she'll be in charge.  So Noah builds a garden, or a vineyard, and he gets really drunk.  And he gets really naked which everybody sees.  Then Noah sobers up and blames Ham's son, Canaan for it.  He demands that Canaan serve Shem, "blessed be the Lord God of Shem," and Canaan's tents are given to an enlarged Japheth and... Canaan must have been wondering 'what the hell is this?'  But this is what you get when belief in God isn't the center of your life.

From there, the generations of Noah go off to form their own nations, which may well have their own spirits as part of "Lord God" and the earth.  Egypt and Mesopotamia were certainly going strong by this point, and we're only nearing 2000BC.  Noah lived 350 years after the flood and his drunken spree, so by my count, he died in 1998BC.  Obviously, being related, they all spoke the same language, giving them a unity which "Lord God" doesn't approve of unless it's worshipping her even more than they already do.  She still needs to work against the real God so she needs division.

Men already knew how to construct buildings.  Maybe the point was just to create storage units, maybe they wanted to reach up to the sky (i.e. heaven.)  So "Lord God" smashed it.  There was another list of the generations of Noah, with no mention of how long anybody lives or when their children are born.  Then we follow the generations of Shem and finally get to Abraham.

This is where the math really stops working.  I haven't done it completely yet, but considering how long these people are still living, it looks like there'd be people who knew Abraham personally who'd have seen Jesus Christ personally, or at least their parents would have, and there'd be serious attention given to what these people are doing that makes them so old.  Given that I'm not even halfway through the Book of Genesis, that's really not workable.

But as you can see, there is a major appeal to scripture which is why it's lasted for so long and inspired so many people.  The point is that God and His adversary are working their way through the book and, by extension to everybody else who follows it.  As humans, we aren't complicated enough to comprehend it all, but the point is that each of us as individuals are playing our own role in God's plan and we don't know what's going to happen next.  I certainly didn't expect to write all this when I woke up this morning.  Yet here we are, thanks to God.